There are many things that drain our energy...being upset, going to a job we don't enjoy..and saying yes when we want to say no.
I used to do it ALL the time.. I never had an issue with the yes's - it has always been those "no's" that have got me in to trouble. I was oblivious to my "yes when I mean no" problem until I found myself in my current relationship, I was all of a sudden being held accountable every time I was saying yes and meaning no (bless him now - hated it at the start!)
I can now confidently say that 80% of the time now my "yes" and "no" desires are at the same volume level, sometimes I still slip up and go back to my old people pleasing self...You saying no when you mean no and yes when you mean yes is not only a gift to yourself - but it is a gift to all those around you too.
What has this got to do with health and wellbeing? Because saying yes when you mean no puts your body under STRESS. This alone can have profound impact on hormones, immune function, brain structure and gut health (more on this later.)
Say YES if it excites and energises you but if you don't want to drink on a night out? Say no. If you don't want to hang out with someone that makes you feel worthless? Say no to it. Are you surrounding yourself with too many people that aren't supporting you? Say no and goodbye to them. Are you constantly putting your unsatisfying job before your own health or not being supported by them? Say no to them! If you need some help adjusting your internal yes and no volume levels - I can share with you these tips:
1. DON'T SAY YOU'LL DO THINGS THAT YOU ARE NOT GOING TO DO.
Have you ever had someone ask you to do something/ a project for them, they are so sweet, you know they are asking you because they really believe you can help but you just know you you aren't going to do it. Why? Because it isn't a priority for you. Because you have your own projects you want to finish and because...IT JUST FELT LIKE A NO (this feeling of no, is by far reason enough to say no.) You don't have to be rude when saying no - Just a polite "While I love what you are up to, I just can't make it a priority now" is fine. A no is a no, that needs no justification. It may feel uncomfortable at the time but it get's easier.
2. THERE IS NO NEED TO GIVE A REASON.
Here is a great sentence " Thank you for your invitation/offer/request. I am not able to do it at this time, but if that changes I will let you know." SIMPLE.CLEAR.
You don't have to apologise for not being able to fit someone in, you don't have to give 100 reasons why it doesn't work. You can be kind, while giving a simple no.
3. GIVE YOURSELF TIME.
There are moments when someone asks you to do something in person, they have caught you off guard and a direct "no" feels like too much of a hard word. These are the moments when asking for time to get back to someone is ideal.
They feel acknowledged, you don't feel cornered. You get some time to check in with yourself while not in their presence to see if you get the internal yes or no answer. When you are just starting out with being able to say no - this also gives you some time to come up with a kind response. Giving yourself a couple of days helps you feel confident and give an appropriate answer.
4.IF IT ISN'T A HELL YESS!
You have probably heard this before, but sometimes I need to remind myself too - If it isn't a HELL YES, it is a no. Thats it. It works the same with choosing what to have for dinner or who to marry.
5. THE GIFT OF YOUR NO.
The gift of your no is that everyone in your life knows where you stand, and when you say yes - they know it is real! It puts everyone at ease. When you honour your "yes's" and your "no's" it means that you get to trust yourself more and more! Since you're the one you will be spending the rest of your life with - that is a pretty big deal!
Consider the energy drain on your body and mind when you agree to something when you would prefer to be doing something else, or with other people, or by yourself. And reflect on why you do it. Is it to please the other person? But is it coming from a genuine wanting to help that person, or from a fear that they may not like you as much if you say no? The reason matters. Because the more your choices are fear based, the more exhausted you are going to feel. When your choices come from love, they will give you more energy.
What can you do?
Take some time to reflect on what areas of your life, or whom you find it hard to say "no" to.
Then ask yourself "What am I scared will occur if I say no?
Why I wrote this? This week I was challenged with a big YES or NO - I need a little reminder to help me make my decision..and it worked! So if it helps a person say no when they mean no - goodo!